Feeling Unsettled and Awkward

I just had a discussion with a friend of mine who I had become very close with over the summer time. We hadn’t really spoken a whole lot in the last three months and things were in a bit of a strange spot. Our conversations had been less filled with excitement and with the types of jokes that our friendship seemed to be built with.

We had been good friends for a few months and spent time together hanging out and sharing our interests together. In a lot of situations like this – hanging out with a girl like this would have been a dating thing for me, but this was different. It was a cool friendship that really moved along patiently and it was supportive and healthy. There seemed to be almost no tension due to our gender differences which was something I wasn’t used to. It was very cool to hang out with this friend like I would hang out with a guy friend.

Towards the end of the summer we ended up having a conversation where she told me about feelings she had for me and that it seemed as though we were practically already in a relationship. I too admitted to having feelings for her, but also that I would not have admitted it on my own at that point in time, nor was I ready for something more than friends with her. I was a little bit scared and surprised by this because I felt almost bad for not feeling ready for something more – we had spent a lot of time together over the last while and talked a lot even through e-mails at work. I had been praying about where things were to go but felt no rush to figure it out or to decide, and as I continued to pray afterwards I realized that I should not feel bad for not feeling in a spot to take things further. I realized that the nature of our friendship and time spent together was not misleading except maybe in the frequency of our time spent together.

Ever since that time we had that big talk things have been different as she returned to her studies and I continued my work placement. We’ve both been extremely busy and haven’t made a point to hang out since. I think we’ve probably both thought of it but just have not gone through with it. I definitely tend to push away in these situations where my heart is worried. That is what I did. I did not really make a lot of extra effort to talk to my friend and I’ve realized now that this was not a good thing to do. The worst part is that I’ve been in a similar situation to this one before and for some reason find that I can just shut off – it is espeically easy to when I am busy and when I know that I am not being called to something beyond friendship with the other person. In thinking about it I have decided it is a mechanism to avoid conflict or to avoid facing up to hurting someone’s feelings and it is a way to slowly forget or to more easily get over a bit of feelings that were or are there. I have found this to not be such a calculated process, but it seems like those reasons make sense, so take those behaviours, add another party that is less open and less willing to express their concerns and you’ve got it.

So we had our discussion today and it went on and seemed fine, but ended in a way that made me feel upset and unsettled. I feel as though my friend is hurt and upset with me. I feel bad about myself and the way I have treated my friend even though it is not intentionally. I even partially feel bad for not caring for the person in a more than friendship kind of way, and I know that that is a true feeling and I cannot control that. Therefore I should not beat myself up over that.

From this experience I have a new goal and I feel that where I am now I have gained the tools to achieve it. My goal is to be more real and to not worry so much about hurting someone that I avoid being real altogether because this can be worse than just fessing up as soon as you know. In addition I want to be able to better recognize that people won’t always voice their concerns and that sometimes they need to be prompted to do so. I wish I had checked up on my friend.